ROYAL BARGE

"Bugger this weather," said Philip his gloved hand twitching angrily on the handle of his sword.

"It can't be helped," said his wife as she smiled and waved yet again at what she thought might be another passing vessel.

"If it gets much worse we won't be able to see a bloody thing." Philip wasn't going to be consoled.

"They must have called off the fly past," said Harry with a look of relief on his face. His pink beret was wet through and felt like a soggy cow pat.

"You warm enough love?" William looked at Kate and even the glow from her warm red outfit looked damp.

"I put some thermals on thank goodness," she replied.

"So did I," cut in the Duchess of Cornwall. "Nicked them out of your father-in-law's sock drawer."

The two Duchesses laughed and waved.

"Bloody ridiculous," It was Philip again. "Can't tell if it's a stink pot, a cutter or a bloody dragon boat."

"Why don't you go below Philip?" suggested the Queen.

"Slip downstairs for a Chinky you mean. Looks like a bloody floating Chinese restaurant." The Duke had said as much when he'd first boarded the red velvet and gold floating palace with its two absurd thrones. "Red velvet arm chairs like something out of the back row of the local flea pit," he said to one of his grandsons as they explored the deck.

"They've worked very hard and it's not their fault the weather has turned a little inclement," said the Queen.

"Inclement you call it. Good god woman, if this is inclement then my cock's a kipper."

Prince Charles laughed. "We're not far from Billingsgate fish market father," he added without thinking.

"You know I don't like that sort of talk, " said the Queen looking at her eldest son over her misty spectacles.

The royal party issued another wave and the rain responded cruelly.

"I've been standing here for over ninety bloody minutes, freezing my admiral's pip's off and if this bloody pageant doesn't come to an end soon I'm going to ......"

"Oh do shut up Philip. Stop complaining and wave." The queen was being the boss.

"Wave after bloody wave", said Philip under his cold breath.

"The Princess Royal drew the long straw on this parade. Tucked up in the dry with a stiff drink no doubt," Philip just wasn't giving up.

Another burst of damp music hit the deck.

"I think it's the Royal Philharmonic mummy," said the Prince of Wales.

"Bloody Water Music is all we need," said Philip as he gazed into the swirling mists, a wet drip or two running in time to the music off his peaked cap.

"Lovely," said the Queen.

"If you like that sort of thing", said Philip. "Bloody Handel."

"Well it's better that Elton John", said the Queen.

"We've got that dubious pleasure to look forward to tomorrow night," said the Prince.

"Well let's hope and pray it pisses on his parade", said the Duke unkindly.

"Philip!" said the Queen abruptly. "I must insist!" and she raised another gloved hand and shook it in the direction of the music.

The newspapers had a field day. Of course they did. "Long to rain over us" was the firm favourite until the very last minute when somehow the Duke of Edinburgh slipped as he was moving off the deck. It looked as though her Majesty had almost nudged him out of her way but what ever happened his Royal Highness took a tumble into Old Father Thames and was eventually fished out by the inflatable police launch once it had forced the excited Italian gondola out of the way. It was, so one of the river police men later reported, the first time an admiral of the fleet had set foot inside their dirigible. One red top's searching head line quite simply read , "Royal Barge?" and most of her loyal subjects knew what it meant.