SOFA SURFER.

(Probably to the tune of "Til her Daddy takes her T-bird away")

We're waxing our boards so they will really fly now
We're waxing our legs to make those beach bums sign now
there's not a wave nor anything wet in sight now
but we'll have fun fun fun sofa surfin' like they do in Hawaii.

We love to look at girls as they wiggle and pass us by now
we really love the ones who look us right in the eye now
there's not a wave nor anything wet in sight now
but we'll have fun fun fun sofa surfin' like they do in Hawaii

The boys pump up their six packs some of them make us sigh now
we are a hoping, very nearly groping, that with us they'll lie now
there's not a wave nor anything wet in sight now
but we'll have fun fun fun sofa surfin' like they do in Hawaii

It's all a dream sofa surfin' one big pipeline lie now .. a pipeline lie now
we're really not that clever, never had the weather, no the wish to die now .. don't wanna die now
there's not a wave nor anything wet in sight now
but we'll have fun fun fun sofa surfin' like they do in Hawaii

We can surf the sofa like any loafer, we can scoff an apple pie now
with virtual reality it's a formality, and one that all the fat kids seem to buy now
there's not a wave nor anything wet in sight now
but we'll have fun fun fun sofa surfin' like they do in Hawaii

(probably tune of "Surfin' Safari" for one verse)

Oh those North sure gals are all real certs
the biggest waves from the biggest flirts
So let's go surfing now, everybody's sufin now, come on an Atari with me.

O to be a sofa surfer you don't even need to try now
get dumped, shark attacked and say goodbye now
there's not a wave nor anything wet in sight now
so we'll have fun fun fun sofa surfin' like they do in Hawaii

THE FLY DIE SONG

Children and piano......

"I know an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly.
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her.

she swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I don't know why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die........"

before the word die fades out in comes an increasing volume of electric guitar sustaining the same note, like Guns 'n Roses in Live and Let Die or the Sex Pistols in their famous treatments of My Way and God Save the Queen etc. Gone are the sweet children's voices, gone is the simple piano and in comes a very loud and raucous romp with a fast beat and energy to the whole song so make it fast and furious. The lyrics continue something like this...

"I know an old woman who gobbled a gun
just for fun she swallowed that gun
She swallowed the gun to kill the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

she swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I don't why she swallowed the fly
perhaps she'll die.

I know an old woman who bit the bullet
what an ol'git to bite the bullet

She bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she gobbled the gun
to get the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

she swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I dunno why she swallowed the fly
perhaps she'll die

I know an old woman who chomped a grenade
without any aid she consumed that grenade
she chomped the grenade
to go with the bullet
she bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she swallowed the gun
to shoot the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

she swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I duuno why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a bomb
she saw nothing wrong in having a bomb
she swallowed the bomb
to set off the grenade
she chomped the grenade
to go with the bullet
she bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she swallowed the gun
to shoot the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I dunno why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a rocket
just said fuck it and swallowed a rocket
she had that missile
to launch the bomb
she swallowed the bomb
to set off the grenade
she chomped the grenade
to go with the bullet
she bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she swallowed the gun
to shoot the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I dunno why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed semtex
she didn't looked vexed she swallowed semtex
she used semtex
to stick to the rocket
she swallowed the rocket
to launch the bomb
she swallowed the bomb
to set off the grenade
she chomped the grenade
to go with the bullet
she bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she swallowed the gun
to shoot the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I dunno why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady she ate dynamite
late one night she took dynamite
She took TNT
on top of semtex
she used semtex
to stick to the rocket
she swallowed the rocket
to launch the bomb
she swallowed the bomb
to set off the grenade
she chomped the grenade
to go with the bullet
she bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she swallowed the gun
to shoot the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I dunno why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old woman who swallowed a fuse
she couldn't refuse to swallow that fuse
she swallowed the fuse
so the dyna might
she took TNT
on top of semtex
she used semtex
to stick to the rocket
she swallowed the rocket
to launch the bomb
she swallowed the bomb
to set off the grenade
she chomped the grenade
to go with the bullet
she bit the bullet
to load up the gun
she swallowed the gun
to shoot the spider

that wriggled and tiggled and wriggled inside her

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I dunno why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a match
down the hatch went a lit match" ....

(there follows a loud musical explosion with subsequent fall out)

Children say "We're afraid she's despatched."

NIL PWUNTS.

Dear Mr Huhne what a Pryce you've paid

giving up your points or so they have said.

As energy sec you really should have known

that people who live in green houses shouldn't throw a stone.

But please don't worry and try not to fret,

you'll join the ranks of many who somehow we forget.