TANGIBLE ASSETS

Tanya was undoubtedly a “big girl”. Her breasts went before her in a way that the figure head on an old ship might once have, proud and decisive above the foaming waves. It hadn't always been like that and at sixth form there had been nothing to write home about. Tanya's mother called her daughter a late developer. But as developments went even her mum had to admit that now Tanya's tits were Titanic.

Not the brightest button in the box nevertheless Tanya got a 2:2 at Leeds and through some family fluke landed an interview and a job in PR in London. Her personality was like her chest, big, and it won over all whom she met. Some would describe her as “bubbly”. Others as “over the top”. No one could call her dull. Tanya excelled at her job and it was through no fault of her own that she found herself in the firing line when the call came for redundancies as the company floundered in the credit crunch. Like hundreds, thousands, of others Tanya joined the unemployed.

Never one to sit it out Tanya took on various tasks that came her way. She worked in a charity shop and joined the amateur dramatic society to critical acclaim by the local Watford paper.

“Miss Worsenot gave a convincing performance as the heroine in the company's latest offering of the Dracula Spectacular. In particular her heaving bosoms lent a real sense of the fear of the Vampire at her neck and Miss Worsenot can surely go on with confidence to greater parts.”

The reviewer's words were prophetic and indeed Tanya did go on to “greater parts.”

Her family weren't particularly impressed with the page three photograph but Uncle Timothy approved although he didn't let on to his sister. As a result of the exposure Tanya found herself courted as something of a minor celebrity and her appearance out shopping in Watford with her mother gained her several sideways looks, most of them from admiring men. Tanya didn't have time for men and although she had boy friends, she'd never felt the need to indulge any more seriously than the occasional snog. At twenty her mother told her she was still quite young enough to “catch the one when he comes along”.Tanya had no doubt that her mother was right. She also had ambition, an overriding sense that it was her destiny to be rich and famous and that pursuit left little time for developing relationships.

Her first move into her own business came just before her twenty first birthday when she made an appointment with the local branch of the Nat West Bank and went to see a business development manager.

Sam was in his thirties and dressed as he was in the regulation dark suit and tie, looked the part. Tanya on the other hand looked more like someone who had just come directly from page three and several of Sam's colleagues were mildly disappointed that their first appointments on that Monday morning hadn't been with Tanya.

The business plan was simple enough. It involved Tanya's breasts and their ability to attract business. As she explained, “I'm not setting up as a knocking shop, a knockers shop if you like (here she laughed loudly at her own joke) but I think the idea has legs.”

Sam thought the idea had a lot more than just legs but thought it best not to say so.

“I'm calling the business “Tangible Assets” and propose to open my first branch in the High Street next month.”

Sam looked a bit gob smacked. Tanya continued.

“We'll be catering mostly for the male market and encouraging clients, we'll call them clients, to come into the shop for a touchy feely experience.”

“Touchy feely?” asked Sam not feeling particularly comfortable about where the interview was going.

“Yes,” said Tanya. “Touchy feely”. There was a pause between potential new customer and perplexed banker.

“I know that men and quite a few women enjoy the topless female form and all “Tangible Assets” will do is offer the chance for adults who want to to have a chat and a touch.”

“Is it legal?” asked Sam in a voice rather too high pitched and with eyes the size of oranges.

“It's not illegal. I've taken advice and what I'm doing is no worse than what the Sun newspaper or those top shelf magazines do. The touchy feely bit is done in private between consenting adults in “Tangible tepees”. We're going to call it in tents theraphy."

"Intense theraphy?" asked Sam.

"Yep," said Tanya not realising that she and the bank manager weren't exactly on the same wave length.

Tanya produced an artist's impression of the shop. It's front looked like a cross between Ladbrokes and Argos with a hint of Waterstones and Starbucks thrown in. The words “Tangible Assets” were in an interesting logo across the front window that looked like what it was trying to purvey. The letter “g” in the word “Tangible” was made up to look like the human ear and the three “S's” in the word “Assets” were formed in such a way so as to look like the naked female form. The inside was well lit with comfortable chairs and low tables and waitresses delivering coffee to the customers sitting at the tables reading magazines and browsing the “Tangible Assets” menu cards. There were five tepees erected around the shop.

Sam studied the artists impression and seemed impressed himself.

“Will it be like a club?” asked Sam slightly more relaxed.

“No. Not at all. It will be a shop. We'll be selling nice coffee and charging customers for a touchy feely session. Sessions will be strictly timed at one minute, two minutes or a maximum of three. Touchy feely vouchers can be purchased from the waitress and will be charged at five pounds a minute. A regular cappuccino, we call it a C cup, and a sixty second touchy feely session will cost six pounds fifty. A large cappuccino, a D cup, and a one hundred and twenty second touchy feely session will be thirteen pounds. Clients will be able to select the quality and size of the “Tangible Assets” they are being touchy and feely with and we'll produce menu cards of all the available assets on offer.”

Tanya pushed a menu card and the the cash flow forecast across the table towards Sam who couldn't decide on which set of figures to focus.

“Given an eight hour trading day we should turnover with only half capacity somewhere in the region of £6,000. That's five tepees working for four hours each at five pounds a minute.”

Sam looked at all the figures in front of him. He looked impressed with both sets although his attention was drawn to the more in your face set of five pairs of naked breasts that were displayed on the tastefully photographed and laminated menu. His eye fell on the description of one set.

“Feeling these firm 34 double D's will be an experience that you'll remember for ever. Treat yourself to the hands on experience that you'll never forget. Stroke don't poke, go gentle not mental.”

Sam had never seen a menu like it.

“I've worked out the worst case scenario,” said Tanya leaning forward to point out that particular set of figures. “The best nets us about £15,000 in a full day's trade.”

“What about your overheads?” Sam couldn't believe he was being serious about such an outrageous business proposition.

“To start with it'll be me and six willing, bright and well endowed girl friends. That'll allow one girl for each tepee and two waitresses. We'll obviously change the rota to prevent too much ware and tear so to speak”. Tanya went off into another of her laughs.

“Each worker in “Tangible Assets” will be paid a percentage of the prophets after expenses. It's as simple as that.”

“And what's to stop ...er....what shall we call it....er....hanky panky.” Sam was trying to be careful with his words.

“You mean what if the clients want a bit more than just a feel?”

“Well yes.” said Sam.

“Each tepee is designed to fit just two people sitting down at either side of a table. Each “Tangible Asset” in tents therapy session is filmed and the film apart from acting as a record of the event will be offered to the client at the end of the session as a memento for £10. If the client doesn't want it, it'll be destroyed. If a client gets out of hand..... (on hearing this expression an extraordinary image conjured up in Sam's minds eye).....then the film will have recorded the event and the appropriate action will be taken. Apart from that in each tepee the client's chair is discreetly wired up to a harmless but stunning electric shock system controlled by the "Tangible Assets" counselor, that's what we're calling the girls, and a press of the button will repel any unwanted or rough advances. Finally by paying for a touchy feely session each client agrees to be fastened into their seat for the duration. We don't want clients standing up during their sessions or leaning too far across the table. It's strictly a touchy feely therapy and not a chance for a bit of slap and tickle.”

Again the words that Sam was hearing played dangerously with his thought process.

“You seem to have thought things through Miss Worsenot.” said Sam trying to shake off the images of erect manhood and slap and tickle. “So what can the bank do to help?” (apart from provide one or two clients he thought to himself).

“You'll see in appendix three my cash flow predictions and the borrowing requirement. There is a set up cost but we reach break even after two months positive trading using the worst case scenario”.

Sam said nothing and looked from one set of figures on his desk to another.

“What “Tangible Assets” will be doing is offering the community a very good and much needed therapy service. We will be providing a unique, discreet and legal opportunity for people to feel the finest sets of breasts and talk with their owners, our counsellors, in the complete privacy of a relaxed High Street environment for a fee that is very affordable. Most men go through their whole lives without the chance to feel a really fine pair of breasts. “Tangible Assets” will be making that dream a face to face reality.”

Tanya sat back smugly having delivered her pitch.

Sam studied the cover of the proposal in front of him. “Tangible Assets” it said. “When feeling is believing.” was the strap line.

Of course the Nat West bank declined the opportunity to back the venture. It was perceived by the managers who sat up the food chain from Sam as being “too high risk.” More privately the view was expressed that if some page three girl was going to encourage the good men of Watford into her High Street parlour to drink coffee and agree to be tied to an electrically wired chair and only allowed to stroke the naked tits on offer to him across the table for a tenner, then what the hell was the real world coming to?

Tanya found the backing she and her friends needed from a private investor and the business opened as planned in Watford to much mixed media reaction and lengthy queues.

It didn't take long for Tanya to become the multi-millionaire she had always wanted to be. “Tangible Assets” was franchised in over thirty six countries and apart from giving rewarding and well paid work to hundreds of woman of all shapes and sizes, the global business helped to counsel tens of thousands of men, most of whom became much better lovers and husbands as a result. The police too were secretly impressed with what one Chief Constable called the "knockers on effect." The level of sexual crime against women dropped noticeably when "Tangible Assets" opened their doors in a neighbourhood.

Uncle Timothy, Sam from the Nat West Bank and the Chief Constable are still regular customers at “Tangible Assets”.

Last year Tanya Worsenot had a breast reduction operation and received an honour from the Queen.