BUY ONE GET ONE FREE

Shopping at the supermarket wasn’t much fun. It was a chore that had to be done but Agnes found a way to make it a little more interesting. She shopped mostly at Sainsbury’s in her local market town. It was always difficult to make ends meet but Agnes was inventive. She took the grocer’s advertising slogans literally and whilst she agreed that “Good food cost less at Sainsbury’s” when it did, she was even more delighted to be invited to “Try something new today” when the company came up with its new slogan.

Agnes got the idea from the supermarket’s own marketing campaign. Bog offs she called them. Buy one get one for free. It often happened when she was trawling the isles. She sauntered into the biscuit section and there on the shelf was a piece of point of sale that said quite clearly McVitie’s Ginger Nuts 65p. Buy 1 get 1 free. She wondered how the supermarket could afford to do it.

“How can you afford to do it?” she asked the girl on the check out.

“I don’t know dear,” was the reply. “Have you got a Nectar card?”

Agnes did have a Nectar card. The points she gathered during the year allowed her to get some more free goods at Christmas, which was a bonus. She liked the idea of being rewarded for being a regular user of the supermarket.

She first tried her idea out on a busy Saturday morning. She did her normal shop, which came to £35.70. With what they called ‘multibuys’, Agnes had saved £2.08 according to her till receipt. She wheeled her trolley out to the car park where she had found a slot easily enough behind one of the architectural trees that the planners had presumably insisted on. It was out of the way of the CCTV cameras. She unloaded her four bags of shopping into the car, replaced the trolley in the trolley park and then drove home. She unpacked the car and her shopping. She’d put the four empty plastic carrier bags she’d used for her purchases into her coat pockets. She then returned to the Sainsbury’s supermarket. The round trip didn’t take her thirty minutes. She grabbed another trolley and went back into the store. Using her till receipt as the shopping list, she carefully reloaded the trolley with everything she had bought earlier. She made sure that her original till receipt matched exactly what she took from the shelves for the second time that morning. In the magazine section where the isle was full of people browsing, she loitered too and at the same time repacked the four empty plastic bags with the goods in her trolley. This was the most risky part of the operation but no one noticed a pensioner fumbling with her purchases, then leafing through The Lady and Homes and Gardens. She then pushed the trolley back through the fruit and veg section and into the busy Café at the other side of the checkouts. She queued and bought an all day breakfast. She enjoyed the meal and read the Daily Mail. Once finished she pushed the trolley out of the store and back to her car.

No one stopped her. If they had she would have produced the till receipt with the bit on the bottom neatly taken off. She’d doctored it before returning for the second shop. The only evidence on the print out that recorded the time she bought her shopping was in the last two lines. Six groups of digits that she could easily remove with a sharp knife, just below the words that suggested “PLEASE KEEP FOR YOUR RECORDS. Published Terms and Conditions apply”. Agnes got a little thrill, an adrenaline rush, when she pushed the second trolley of the day out into the car park. She’d got away with it.

“Bog off,” she said out loud and she chuckled as she pushed her load of stolen goods unchallenged to her car.

Agnes became a shoplifter. She didn’t see it as a crime. After all, the supermarket themselves seemed willing to give away product. All Agnes was doing was extending their generous offer to cover all the goods she purchased.

Having got away with it once, Agnes embarked upon her crime spree every week. She didn’t always choose the Saturday. Some times she would use Friday and some times, when there wasn’t a service in the village church, a Sunday. She got bolder and on several occasions added bottles of wine to her two shopping trips. If she bought six, she’d get a five percent discount and, more importantly, could carry her six-bottle purchase in a handy cardboard carrier conveniently provided in the wine section.

“You’re so thoughtful,” she said to the girl on the checkout as she loaded the bottle carrier into her trolley for the first time that day.

Agnes didn’t drink, only the very occasional sherry, and she built up quite a wine cellar. She didn’t know very much about the stuff but shopped for bottles around a fiver. She always selected a variety that the supermarket had on special that week. When her purchases and the duplicate freebies started to fill up her garage, she realised that her ‘Bog off collection’ would have some value to someone who wanted several hundred bottles of wine.

Her first customer was the friend of an acquaintance. She discovered that Bertie liked a drop of wine and let it be known that she had inherited about 200 bottles from her brother who had sadly passed away. Bertie was delighted to part with his cash and at £4 a bottle; he seemed well pleased with the deal he struck with the acquaintance of his friend.

“Thank you so much,” said Bertie. “Us pensioners need all the help we can get. The cost of living today is frightful and the government doesn’t seem to care a damn.”

Bertie’s words struck a chord with Agnes. She agreed that pensioners like her weren’t at the top of the pile. She realised that her “Bog off scheme” was an earner. She lay awake at night dreaming of building a business, a mini empire even. She could see the day, not too far away, when she needn’t worry about money any longer. She fantasised about retiring to Portugal or Madeira with her friend Christine. Somewhere in the sun would be lovely. If she won the lottery that’s what she’d do. If the “Bog Off business” could take off, that’s what she’d do.

At first Agnes wasn’t sure how to really capitalise on her new business. She called it a business and realised that if it was going to grow, she’d have to involve others. Agnes had friends. There was Christine, her best friend, and her Bridge partner most Monday evenings. Elsie was a good friend too. Recently widowed, poor Elsie had taken the death of her husband rather badly. It had shaken her up so Agnes used to whip round to see her. She'd take her out for a run in the car, go and visit the garden centre or the National Trust place if the weather was kind. Winnie was another that Agnes counted as a friend. Winnie sometimes appeared rather grand but Agnes knew that Winnie was worse off financially than she was. Winnie’s husband hadn’t had a decent pension and they had had to do something about re-mortgaging their home in order to keep themselves solvent. Then there was Daisy. Daisy had been a schoolteacher, the old fashioned, no-nonsense sort, very keen on the three R’s. Daisy had retired and did a little private tuition on the side, coaching slow children for their entrance examinations. Daisy, like Agnes, had never married and like Agnes she loved bird watching.

Agnes thought about who she’d involve first. She knew that she’d find it easier to persuade her friends one at a time. She’d had experience of committees and by and large thought they didn’t work awfully well. Too much talk and not enough action. Christine was the obvious choice for first gang member and so she got on the telephone and arranged an evening when the two of them could meet up at her house.

“Come round at about six and we’ll have a glass of sherry. I’ve got something I want to talk to you about.”

“How intriguing my dear. Look forward to seeing you,” was what Christine said.

The Bog Off Gang had its inaugural meeting. At first Christine looked perplexed. She actually thought that her friend had gone off her rocker. But ever so slowly like melting ice and helped in some part by the properties of the sweet sherry, she began to see that Agnes was on to something quite interesting.

“It sounds rather exciting to me,” said Christine. “And you’ve actually been getting away with it dear?”

“Most certainly.” Agnes confirmed she had for the umpteenth time.

“And there’s no way that they can catch you out?”

“No way Jose.” Agnes sounded like a Bolivian bandit.

It was agreed that the next morning Agnes would take Christine with her to the supermarket for a first hand demonstration. They travelled together and Agnes drove them to Sainsbury’s.

Christine was as nervous as a kitten.

“You’re only going to watch me dear,” said her friend by way of encouragement.

Agnes went through her paces and shopped with Christine stuck to her like glue. The two women went through the check out and Agnes paid for the shopping, £42.57 with double Nectar points on several of her buys.

“Alright to pack your own bags love?” the girl on the check out asked as a part of her customer friendly training.

“Oh thank you dear. I can manage quite well thank you.”

Agnes and Christine loaded the shopping into the car and returned home. They were back again in the supermarket twenty-two minutes later for the repeat shop. Christine seemed to be more relaxed on the second visit. Agnes couldn’t feel her hot breath this time as she selected another Greek yoghurt from the chilled section.

“All right dear?” Agnes asked her friend.

“It’s quite exciting isn’t it?” came the reply which made Agnes smile.

The second visit went like clockwork.

It was outside as the two women approached the car that the man who gathered up the stray trolleys came up to them. His florescent yellow jacket made him look like a lollypop man.

“You haven’t dropped anything ladies, have you?” he asked.

“No,” said Agnes. “I don’t think so.” Her heart was racing. She thought they’d been found out some how.

“It’s just that I found a purse over here. I’ll take it to the customer enquiry desk. Cheers love.”
Agnes continued to push her trolley to her car with Christine in nervous attendance once more.

“Excuse me ladies.” It was a security man. There was two of them standing next to the car.

“How can I help you?” said Agnes too quickly and obviously taken aback.

“We’d like you to come back with us into the store please. We have reason to believe that you are trying to leave with goods you haven’t paid for.”

“What utter nonsense,” said Agnes. “I have the receipt here somewhere.”

“That’s fine madam,” said the security man. “There may have been some mistake but if you’d come with us to the managers office, I’m sure we can clear up the matter. This way please.”
Christine was white with fear. Agnes thought for a moment that she was going to pass out.

“Come on dear.” Agnes took Christine’s arm and the two walked back from where they had just come. One security man walked in front of the group, showing the way, while the other followed pushing the trolley full of shopping. The manager’s office was through the store and out the back, through a set of big swing doors that led to the warehouse behind the shop floor. The two old ladies and their uniformed escort and the shopping trolley processed into the unglamorous world of behind the scenes at the supermarket. Parked in tight rows were big cages on wheels, jammed full with product waiting to be taken off to fill the shelves. Notices on the wall, some encouraging “Smile and your customers smile with you”, some warning, “Have you washed your hands?” and some regulation small print. The manager’s office wasn’t big. The manager was. He looked tired as he spoke to the two suspects.

“Well ladies. I’m sure you know why we’ve asked you back for a word.”

Agnes stood ramrod straight and still. Her composure was not going to be ruffled by this man.

“I simply cannot image,” she said after a suitable pause that tried to indicate she was in charge.

The manager gave a groan, which turned into a heavy sigh.

“I think we’d better call the police,” he said with a nod to the security personnel.

Christine, who’d been as white as a sheet since their apprehension, visibly jumped and started to shake like a washing machine on spin cycle.

“I thought you said you’d got away with it dear!” she shrieked at Agnes who instantly knew that on this occasion she hadn’t.

Cups of tea were offered to the two of them as they sat together in the security office waiting for the police to arrive. The hot mugs of brown liquid relaxed the two of them, made them feel at ease, quite dizzy and lulled off into a happy, soporific state, one that felt like they really wanted to drop off.

The two security men didn’t have any trouble in carrying the two old ladies, one at a time, out of the room and into the rear yard behind the building. In one corner the cardboard crusher had just finished compressing one batch into a tight bale and Agnes and her friend were carefully lifted into the machine and the green button was pressed which started the powerful hydraulic rams once again.

Agnes would probably have taken some satisfaction in coming back to that very store as part of a cardboard outer for Portuguese sardines in olive oil. Christine on the other hand wouldn’t have liked her new role as a part of the box for Sainsbury’s 85 ultra soft white tissues.
Both brands were on special that week. Buy one get one free.